Alright everyone, here's the deal. There's this guy we're always having to put up with here at Brew Hoop. His name is Scrooge McBuck, and as you can probably imagine, he gets pretty riled up this time of year.
That's right I'm riled up! I'm always miserable this time of year, what with the singing and the lights and the expensive coffee drinks with the long names. But this year is especially miserable, because this year the holidays mark the return of those good-for-nothing Bucks!
Alright Scrooge, we get it. You're grumpy, there's nothing good on TV, you probably have a thing or two to say about the music kids listen to these days. But aren't you the least little bit excited to see NBA basketball back in action after that terrible lockout?
Bah, lockout-shmockout! Bunch of free-spending gally-waggers if you ask me. You don't see me grumbling about presents under the tree. No griping I can't afford a shiny new Nene because I blew three-month's pay on a backup two-guard. They got themselves into this hot water and they can't stop themselves stirring the pot!
Yeah, that seems to be a popular point of view, albeit expressed in some sort of mixed metaphor. But I did promise we'd give you some print space here on the site if you'd stop bothering us for a while, so what is it you wanted to talk about?
This lousy team, that's what! The lot of 'em are a bunch of loafs. You can be sure not one of 'em grew up learnin' the value of an honest day's work, shinin' shoes or what-not. I got words for these fellas, so sit down and listen up!
Let's start with that big one, the one always talking about his sore arm or something. Tough it out! Here you are complaining about some mild physical trauma and I haven't been able to hear out of my left ear since 1836!
Ed. note: do not try to inform Mr. McBuck as to the current year. He does not take it well.
And that haircut! Every time it nears a respectable length, and even then only in back, he shaves it off and prances around like some lice-stricken child! A distinguished gentleman never exposes the back of his neck so callously.
Alright Mr. McBuck, let's not digress into personal attacks so early in our tirade. Andrew Bogut has had a rough enough time without miserly fans piling on.
Oh, I'll move on alright, there's plenty more where that came from! This new fellow, Jackson. Naturally, I was instantly distrustful, though I hear he's a Captain, so at least we can rest assured he's got some discipline.
Yes, we can rest assured of that.
But then I hear he marches right in and demands a raise, first day on the job! Who does he think he is, a federal employee? If one of my clerks ever asks for a raise, you can be sure I'll show him straight to the door!
Alright, I'm with you there.
And Brandon Jennings! You know I once saw a cat climb up this audacious Christmas tree and start batting glass ornaments off the branches, and even the cat landed 47% of them in a wastebin across the room. You hear that, Jennings? A cat flinging ornaments off a tree shoots better than you!
Come on now, that's not fair. Jennings doesn't have the floor spacers around him to pull rim defenders out of th--
A cat!
But Jennings is such an underrated ball handler! His turnover rate was one of the best among qualif--
FLINGING. ORNAMENTS.
...
Top to bottom, this roster is full of other teams' throw-aways and whatever measly talent Mr. Hammonds (sic) can cobble together. Cobblin's all well and good when we're talking about my loafers, but it's no way to put together a basketball team!
Give him a little credit, Scrooge! You know it's nearly impossible to lure high-priced free agents to Milwaukee, so Hammond is left to scrape up whatever talent is left after the big markets have their go. He's done well in the second round of the draft, too! Maybe if Milwaukee hadn't gotten so nerfed in the 2007 lottery...
Oh, I've got words for those city folk as well! Maybe if they had been a bit more prudent with its investments, they wouldn't be such a small market! Last I hear they were throwing away money like it was wrapping paper, blowing it on bubble markets like a "new water system" so the city "wouldn't have so many parasites" or some other rubbish. A little infestation of the gut from time to time does wonders for the constitution! Builds character!
Ok, we're getting off track. Are you done? Have you said what you needed to say?
Hardly! You've got a Prince on this team with no respect for his birthright! To think, a man of royalty banging around with common power forwards, fighting for loose rebounds and cutting off the ball. The hustle...it's a disgrace!
Indeed, how dare he...
Though you know who I am a fan of is this Darington Hobson fellow. I once had a butler named Hobson and a cousin named Darington. Both charming fellows. I assume Hobson is going to be a featured player this season?
Actually, he'll probably be a rotational wing at most.
WHAT?!? Outrageous! This organization has lost it's mind!
So, if we rule out opinions formed solely on the basis of names, socioeconomic status, or hairstyles, do you have anything else?
Let's see...oh, Ilyasova!...no, wait, that's a name thing...well, I guess that's it.
Fantastic. I suppose it's safe to assume you won't be watching or cheering for the Bucks this season?
Now hold on just a minute! I may do my fair share of complaining...
Really!?!
...but that doesn't mean I'm just giving up on this team! Oh no, they'll not be rid of me so easily! You can bet Scrooge McBuck will be there night in and night out, giving them a piece of my mind. They might be a bunch of scoundrels, but they're OUR scoundrels!
Scrooge, you are a wise man.
Remember everybody, for as much as they might make us want to pull our hair out, the Milwaukee Bucks are our team. In the end, that's all that really matters.
From all of us at Brew Hoop, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Go Bucks!