A preliminary scouting report on the Miami Heat

The Bucks are going to the playoffs, and thanks to a seed-clinching loss in Charlotte yesterday they know just who they're going to face in the opening round of the playoffs: the defending champions, the Miami Heat.

Maybe you haven't been following the Heat that much this season? They play in, like, a different time zone and there are two teams in their state, so it's easy to overlook them by accident. Don't worry though, we've compiled a handy scouting report on the Heat so you can brush up on all their key players before the Ultimate Go Crazy Showdown of Super Elite Playoff Contending Eastern Conference Heavyweight Teams 2013!

Udonis Haslem - F, 6'8", 235 lbs

Good defender, solid rebounder. Lacks range on offense. Smart player who can check bigger players at times.

Mario Chalmers - G, 6'2", 190 lbs

Good shooter for position but subpar ball handler. Can break down defenses but prone to mistakes or overdribbling. Capable of hitting big shots under pressure. Good hands on defense but not exceptionally fast.

Dwyane Wade - Ninja, 6'4", Functionally Weightless

Silent assassin capable of entering arena, scoring 18 points, then disappearing before anybody knows he's there. Lethal up close, moderately dangerous from range. Master of aerial acrobatics, ability to fly unconfirmed.
Expanded scouting report.

Mike Miller - G/F, 6'8", 210 lbs

Excellent outside shooter in spot-up situations, good rebounder. Slow on defense but has decent size. Not a great passer or ball handler.

Shane Battier - F, 6'8" 225 lbs

Good three-point shooter, primarily from corners. Smart defender, high-IQ player. Not quick.

Chris Bosh - Demigod, 6'11", 235 lbs

Mischievous, powerful being from mythical realm. Expert at manipulating foes into falling for his plans. Often ignored in favor of more obvious threats while he positions himself to strike. Very smart, very skilled.
Expanded scouting report.

Norris Cole - G, 6'2", 175 lbs

Not a great floor general, poor court vision and high turnovers for position. Good defender with solid quickness and toughness. Not a very good shooter and can force shots and passes.

Chris Andersen - F/C, 6'10", 228 lbs

Good rebounder and defender, can finish around rim but no range outside paint. Average pick-and-roll player. Good shot-blocker but foul prone.

LeBron James - Radioactive DinoLizard, appx. 250', 40,000 tons

Unparalleled engine of destruction. Capable of devastating entire fanbases overnight. Thermonuclear breath attack clears out paint, uses surprising speed and agility to attack target. Improved effectiveness from range, image makeover has helped public perception in recent years.
Expanded scouting report.