In a Milwaukee Far Far Away: If the Bucks were in ‘Star Wars’

As every single person on Earth who has seen a commercial knows, Star Wars: The Last Jedi is coming out this very evening with early showings. As we’re all transported back to a galaxy far, far away, we thought it was the ideal time to bring this far-flung universe closer to home. For anyone who read our Gilmore Girls as Bucks comparison piece last year, consider this a spiritual successor in the ongoing canon of Bucks becoming fictional characters.

Giannis Antetokounmpo as Luke Skywalker

He is the hero in the Star Wars universe just as Giannis is the hero for Bucks nation. Starting from small unknown beginnings, he grows stronger and stronger each year. Likable character, been tempted to the dark side on occasions.

Khris Middleton as Qui-Gon Jinn

Master meditator. King of calm, cool and collected with a swiss-army game to boot. Their only drawback is outsized belief in themselves. One led to an untimely, purposeful demise at the hands of evil. The other leads to midrange turnarounds. Both are destructive in their own ways.

Eric Bledsoe as Anakin Skywalker

Trapped on a barren desert planet devoid of anyone who recognized his talents, Anakin Skywalker needed to be saved from the salon-haven that was Tatooine. Bledsoe faced a similar fate, his raw talent going to waste surrounded by subpar players subject to leadership more inept than the corrupt Hutt’s. When turmoil swirled early on, Bledsoe brought balance to the force. If midi-chlorian counts correlate at all to raw strength, Bledsoe is one buff bro.

Jabari Parker as Obi-Wan Kenobi

A lot of Parker’s time in Milwaukee has been spent on the sidelines acting more like the force spirit for the Bucks that Obi-Wan was for Luke Skywalker. Off the court, Parker has been generous with his time and money for the Milwaukee community and youth. Obi-Wan mentored both Anakin and Luke while caring deeply for the Jedi community and its well-being.

Tony Snell as R2-D2

R2-D2 stays in the backdrop but remains useful whenever he gets run. Snell’s the same way, not needing the starlight but always contributing whenever he’s on the court. Both stay in their lane, but stepping out usually leads to bizarre results like R2’s flames engulfing oil slicks in Attack of the Clones or anytime Snell drives to the rack.

Malcolm Brogdon as Queen Amidala

Given accolades and power at a relatively young age, Amidala was charged with an incredible amount of diplomatic power in the midst of a full-scale rebellion. Brogdon’s calm demeanor calls to mind Amidala’s patience even when the power was cut on her home planet. A smooth operator who was marginalized following her first appearance, Brogdon’s been shifted to a supporting role in his sophomore season.

Thon Maker as C3PO

Tall, lanky, and always off-balance. Like 3PO, Thon can speak multiple languages: English, Spanish, and his native Dinka. C3PO was always in the right place at the wrong time and Thon has the same knack for timing. He finds himself unwittingly in the middle of the action when it comes to loose balls and simultaneous possessions of rebounds.

John Henson as Darth Maul or General Grevious

Double bladed lightsaber is probably the same length as Henson’s wingspan. Always looks angry. Has an oddity like the previously mentioned lightsaber or the lefty hook. Does some things that seem really pointless, Darth Maul would spin a lot in fights while Henson takes Jumpshots. Both were around during pretty poor times, like in Phantom Menace or pre-Giannis Milwaukee Bucks.

Matthew Dellavedova as a Stormtrooper

Wildly inaccurate shooting from close range.

Mirza Teletovic as Sniper Dude from Rogue One

Star Wars is severely lacking in long-range specialists, the kinda guy who can off someone from a parsec away. Thankfully Rogue One relented on this fact, giving us that dude, Cassian Andor, who almost sniped someone. Mirza is a man who stays in the shadows, ceding starring roles to more worthy fellows. These two belong together and I’m excited for Mirza to sacrifice himself for the squad in the finals by Zaza-ing Kevin Durant.

DeAndre Liggins as That Guy Who Accosted Luke In The Mos Eisly Cantina

Hey opposing ball handlers, DeAndre’s friend doesn’t like you. DeAndre doesn’t like you either! He’s wanted for theft (steals) in twelve systems.

Sterling Brown as Young Boba Fett

Brown is just learning how he can make an impact and improving on his shooting. His defensive fundamentals are similar to that of a grind it out bounty hunter that will go to any length to get the job done.

Rashad Vaughn as Jar-Jar Binks

Like Jar-Jar, Vaughn seems to always be off in his own world. He is a polarizing figure but with the consensus understanding that he is bad for the health of the franchise overall. But is Vaughn’s aloofness actually part of something deeper much like the popular Darth Jar-Jar theory?

D.J. Wilson as Cantina Band

Likes to perform and is always noticeable in the background. Also has one enduring quality.

Gary Payton II as an Ewok

It seems like a joke they were even included at all when it’s pretty clear they don’t belong. Plus Glove Jr.’s on-court play looks like he understands the NBA game as little as an Ewok understands how to operate a speed racer. They fight with pointed sticks; that’s G-League stuff, just like Payton II.

Joel Bolomboy as One of the Rebel X-Wing Pilots That Says, “Standing by.”

Bolomboy has made six appearances on the season and just like the X-Wing pilot cameos, we see that he is there but he is not the main focus or really has much of an overall impact. Would we like to see more? Yeah sure! It’s just the story is about a lot of other characters.

Jason Terry as Yoda

Obviously.

Jason Kidd as Kylo Ren

Kylo is moody, seems to be the puppet to those above him. Always yearning for more power. Like Ren, Kidd seems to be annoyed, moody, mysterious in his post game interview. He wants to be the puppet of Edens, and it’s well known his want to have more power in terms of player personnel.

Jon Horst as General Hux

New guy who wants to let everyone know that he is in charge. Will show his ruthless side in negotiations and trades. Seems to be the go-between for Ren and Snoke.

Wes Edens as Emperor Palpatine

Palpatine made legislative decisions that he viewed as being correct but ultimately led to the rebellion. Edens took over the GM search and inserted Horst on his own volition, which shows how strong headed he is. Edens and Kidd are buds and sticking with Kidd might lead to a rebellion in Bucks nation.

Marc Lasry as Count Doku

He was the Sith that was to carry out the starting plans for the Death Star while doing all the dirty work for Palpatine. Lasry is also in charge helping build a championship squad but never had final say and was overruled in the GM search.

Jamie Dinan as Supreme Leader Snoke

Just like in The Force Awakens, he is there but nobody knows why and what his role is.

Bucks defensive scheme as Admiral Akbar

IT’S A TRAP!!