I don’t understand self-described fans of NBA basketball who don’t appreciate regular-season NBA basketball.
Take the Bucks’ game tonight on the road against the Cavaliers, for example. I bet a lot of you are thinking,
“it’s just a meaningless game in Cleveland on a random Wednesday in January.”
Well, I guess a lot of you are filthy casuals then, because any real student of the game knows that for tonight’s historic MIL @ CLE showdown, the stakes are high. Very high.
How high? They’re really, quite very high, okay?
Listen, buddy, they’re as high as January 26-regular-season-NBA-basketball-game stakes can get—AKA:
Pretty f*cking high.
Forget everything you thought you knew about mid-winter weeknight ball-sport competitions, because the only thing that’s going to be cold tonight is the ice running through deer veins during clutch time.
In other words: welcome to the thunder dome…wait, no, that’s not it—uh, oh yeah, okay:
WELCOME TO THE THUNDER ROCKET MORTGAGE FIELDHOUSE DOME.
…but like, it’s the non-WNBA-team-storm-type thunder—not the Oklahoma City Thunder…and also, no Houston Rockets. Actually, there won’t be any rockets at all, basketball-team variety or otherwise…
…but, you know, there ARE gonna be, uh:
ADVERTISEMENTS FOR GRIFTING BUSINESSES THAT RELY ON PREDATORY LENDING SCHEMES AS THEIR MAIN PROFIT SOURCES.
Top of the line, I know. I know.
You’re even probably now thinking,
“It’s going to be like the Super Bowl came early, but without a distracting championship on the line or a boring trophy ceremony!”
You’re absolutely correct about that—tonight’s game will be very much like the Super Bowl—the similarities run deep. For example: the Packers won’t be playing in this game either.
Well, by now, most of you have probably realized how disturbingly misguided you had been in your initial evaluations of this game, but I want to make sure no fans get left behind* on this. I don’t want to risk the chance of any deer friends not fully experiencing the complete scope of this transcendent occasion.
*(After all, “no-fan-left-behind” actions turn into “every-fan-succeeds” results with ease, effectiveness and as planned, I think. [GWBMissionAccomplished.jpg])
So, soak this all in:
The Bucks now stand at the precipice of true greatness, with an opportunity to shed the last vestiges of a losing culture that has resulted in zero NBA championships this year—
—but after tonight, the Bucks’ all-January-26-all-time (AJ26AT) record (AKA: franchise record across all seasons in games on Jan. 26) will have become EITHER 15-14 OR 14-15. No more merely breaking even.
That’s right: with a win tonight, the Milwaukee Bucks will finally own a winning AJ26AT record and will have broken through the AJ26AT .500 W/L% barrier that, as of yet, has remained the tether between the Bucks and feckless mediocrity.
Tonight, Milwaukee will rise above the waves—or sink beneath them—but, one way or another, the Bucks will not be an exactly .500 January 26 basketball team for a minimum of 1 year following the conclusion of the Bucks @ Cavaliers game scheduled to tip off just some small amount of hours after the time of this premium content’s posting.
I so hope that said trip around the sun is one of AJ26AT triumph.
Alright, now that you know how bonkers high the stakes are for this clash, you probably want and need a crash course on exactly what the situation is as we go into this AJ26AT gauntlet.
Don’t worry—I got you, Snell-style—let’s take a deep dive into the raw data, which I have framed optimally for your educational benefit via my expert analysis:
TRUE FACTS THAT ARE REAL
- The Bucks are currently on a four-game winning streak in games on January 26ths.
- AND that winning streak spans more than a decade, with home wins since 2011 over the Nets, Magic, Warriors and Hawks.
- HOWEVER, that win streak started *after* the Bucks’ last 1/26 *road* game, though, which they lost in Dallas in 2010.
- AND FURTHER, Milwaukee hasn’t won on the road on January 26 since 1989 (a few months before I was born) when the Bucks beat the Trail Blazers in Portland.
- AND ADDITIONALLY, tonight will be the Bucks’ first January 26 road game in 12 years and only the second 1/26 away game since 1991.
- NOTE AS WELL, that the game this evening will be the first-ever January 26 meeting between the Bucks and the Cavaliers.
- There have been XXVIII previous January XXVI Bucks games.
- Those games have spanned XLVIII years (will be LII years after tonight).
- Bucks’ I/XXVI W-L records:
- XIV-XIV overall (including I loss in II OT).
- VIII-VII in XV total home games.
- VI-VII in XIII total away games.
AJ26AT BUCKS GAME LOG
- 2022 @ CLE ?15 G29 (game tonight)
- 2018 vs. BKN W14 G28
- 2016 vs. ORL W13 G27
- 2013 vs. GSW W12 G26
- 2011 vs. ATL W11 G25
- 2010 @ DAL L14 G24
- 2009 vs. MIN L13 G23
- 2007 vs. PHX L12 G22
- 2005 vs. PHX L11 G21
- 2004 vs. SAS W10 G20
- 2002 vs. NYK (2OT) L10 G19
- 2000 vs. SAC W9 G18
- 1997 vs. SAS W8 G17
- 1996 vs. PHX L9 G16
- 1993 vs. HOU W7 G15
- 1991 @ LAC L8 G14
- 1990 @ LAL L7 G13
- 1989 @ POR W6 G12
- 1988 @ POR L6 G11
- 1987 @ LAC W5 G10
- 1985 @ HOU W4 G9
- 1983 @ LAL L5 G8
- 1982 @ LAL W3 G7
- 1977 @ BUF (Buffalo Braves) L4 G6
- 1976 vs. GSW L3 G5
- 1973 @ DET W2 G4
- 1972 @ DET W1 G3
- 1971 @ NYK L2 G2
- 1970 vs. PHI L1 G1
Tl;dr: Bucks basketball=good whenevs. Also, tonight: Bucks win=January 26 champions, raise banner.
You’re welcome, philistines.
Bucks in (January twenty-)six(th).