FanPost

Bah....HUMBUG: Rating the Worst Christmas Songs of All Time


Disclaimer: I just wanted to win the FPOTW. Nobody else has posted anything. I'm pretty convinced that I can easily beat NOBODY. So I thought now would be a splendid time to cherry pick.

Hey everyone! We all know that, once December hits, It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Well, that's until THAT ONE SONG hijacks your radio. We've all been there. And, chances are, at least one of these doozies triggers you to switch stations faster than Run, Run Rudolph can trample over Grandma.

Without further ado, here is the definitive Bottom 10 Christmas Songs of All Time:

10. Any Christmas song by Mariah Carey. Look, I used to LOVE a few of her songs. That was before she proclaimed herself the "Queen of Christmas." I don't even remember there being a vote. That sort of self-promoting narcissism negates any Christmas cheer she was trying to pontificate. Buh bye, Mariah. You have been dethroned.

9. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. This is ridiculous. I mean, a hippo couldn't even fit under the tree. And everyone knows these animals are regarded among the most terrifying creatures in the wild. Stupid child.

8. We Three Kings (of Orient Are). This is just for its terrible sense of timing. If this was rating "Best Songs referring to a couple years after the birth of Christ," it would be #1. Read the room, Kings. History (and the actual Biblical narrative) clearly stated that the Christ child had long left the manger by the time y'all showed up.

7. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. Nothing says "Happy Holidays" like witnessing the woman who gave you life in the midst of a scandalous affair with your childhood hero.

6. The Twelve Days of Christmas. When is this song OVERRRRRRR????!!! After the initial "Five Gold Rings," it just turns into a Christmasy 99 Bottle of Beer on the Wall. And that's not a compliment.

5. We Wish You a Merry Christmas. If you'd really wish me a happy holiday, why do you persistently stalk me until I give you dessert? That's not so merry after all, now is it?

4. The Christmas Shoes. It's the Hallmark Channel of songs. Preying upon the tender-hearted sap, just trying to hawk albums to the weak. Sell outs.

3. The Peanuts Theme Song. It has NOTHING to do with Christmas. It's just the theme song to every Peanuts TV film. Why not include the theme song to Full House while we're at it?

2. Last Christmas. I have a great idea. Every single year, let's rehash getting our hearts broken. Save me some tears, and stop playing this song.

1. Do They Know It's Christmas? I love feeling guilty about desiring stuff that's fun and enjoyable.....just not on the one day when commercialism is front and center for all to see. "Guilty Conscience" is not represented by any of the Advent candles.

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